You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
