I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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