I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
