Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
