so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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