is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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