tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
