Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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