You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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