can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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