you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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