cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
