she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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