this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
