I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
did i walk over a car last night?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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