Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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