Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
