in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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