She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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