ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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