sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
