i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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