We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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