I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
