Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
