at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
