ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This baby is an asshole
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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