My nipple is on Facebook.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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