I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize