There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
