I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
