This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
