I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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