and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
