I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
