I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just had sex bonerless
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
