She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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