I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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