bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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