I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize