just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
