This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
