The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
