EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
