My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
