If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
