i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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