Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
