Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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