All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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