I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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