The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
