I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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