I can text with my tongue
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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