Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
