Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
