Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
