If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
