Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize