u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
